


Moonlit Whispers

by Keletania



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst, Anxious Crowley (Good Omens), Comfort/Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining Aziraphale (Good Omens), Post-Canon, Post-Finale, Purple Prose, Sad Crowley (Good Omens), The Bentley Ships It (Good Omens)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-25 16:13:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19749235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keletania/pseuds/Keletania
Summary: "That anxious torture may I never feel, Which doubtful, watches o'er a wandering heart. O, who that bitter torment can reveal, Or tell the pining anguish of that smart!" - Lord Byron





	Moonlit Whispers

**Author's Note:**

> Crowley gets serious and Aziraphale drops a bomb. It's only fair he has a turn. AKA Aziraphale tries out feeling words and Crowley has a breakdown.
> 
> The prose that follows is VERY purple, because I am fond of writing that way! I hope you enjoy 💜

The drive back to London was taking far longer than necessary, not that Aziraphale was likely to notice. Crowley still drove fast, _like a bat out of hell_ , which technically speaking he was. Or a snake out of hell anyway, semantics really. Crowley had been practicing and dreading and practicing some more; his poor plants had received more depressed moaning than screams as of late. Their verdance had begun to fade; truly unfortunate as the competition season neared. But he was ready, he had to be! If any more time passed he was likely to chicken out and drop it entirely. With that in mind, Crowley took a deep breath and spoke in what was intended to be a level headed voice, but was a twinge past desperate, "I need you to promise me something, angel.”

\---

"Well, I'll do my best, but I would appreciate additional information on what it is I'm signing away my metaphoric soul for." Aziraphale knew something serious possibly life changing was nearing him, near _them_. And he would be damned if Crowley was too nervous to finally get the words out, not now that he was finally past his fears of Retribution for his reciprocation.

\---

Gripping the steering wheel far harder than it's old parts should be able to withstand, but things rarely broke when Crowley didn't want them too, he continued softly; "Stop lying. To me I mean... there isn't a reason anymore. I-I never blamed you for it before. I knew what the lot above would do to you...or I _thought_ I did. Turns out there's worse things then falling huh? And I can endure so many things but I couldn't be the reason you fell! But now they've left us alone angel, _really alone,_ and I need to stop lying too. _It hurts_ , it's a big aching hole every time you smile and say things are fine and go off keeping things, important things from me. I thought we were a team? And cards on the table, I can't do this anymore."

\---

If Aziraphale needed to breathe, he would have stopped. This wasn't what he wanted and had been hoping for. No, this was much worse! This was it, _this_ was the moment Crowley admitted their friendship had soured and gone one sided. He was always the one to make things work and last, and now he just didn't have the energy anymore. A selfish part of Aziraphale was glad the holy water was gone, at least for now. He was never more afraid for Crowley's mental state than in the moments after a confession. And he knew that there wasn't a point to being free on Earth if he was doomed to be alone forevermore. Crowley could be mad at him and decide they shouldn't ever speak again; that would be if acceptable if he could still _feel_ his essence out in the ether of the world and know that there would be a chance fixing everything.

Softly he replied, "I didn't mean for things to go awry. I thought I could _convince them_ , make them see that all of this was pointless slaughter, but I couldn't! Foolishness on my part really. You've been nudging me towards this for millennia, to open my eyes and _see_ . To really see! But I didn't, I couldn't. I adore you, dear boy, I truly do, just as you are, but I was afraid to fall and change. What if everything about myself that made sense soured and left me alone again? Or I became someone monstrous? I feel it sometimes, that itch of a foreboding that says _'go further'_. And I just don't know anymore if it's from below, or worse above, and I just couldn't."

Turning his head from the window to look at Crowley, who was on the brink of a horrified expression, "I'm truly sorry for how this, _all_ of this panned out. I should have trusted you, even an ounce of the trust you've placed in me. I was cruel and I still don't know if I did it intentionally or not. It's utterly unforgivable, I hurt you and nearly doomed the world to oblivion! I doubt you can forgive me anytime soon, and I don't expect you to, but I need you to know how every atom of my soul and every fiber of matter that makes up my corporeal form is ashamed. You deserve a better _friend_ than me, and I'm sorry. I've been trying to find a moment to bring this up but I was afraid that you'd tell me to leave or-"

\---

"What!?! Why would I tell you to go? I stopped bloody time for you! Wh-when you said you'd never speak to me again after I _just_ got you back! Their world might have been ending but mine, _mine_ didn't feel threatened until that moment." Crowley jolted, realizing he spoke too much too fast again and was ruining things. Now Aziraphale would startle and pull away and that gaping hole between them would grow.

Aziraphale grabbed his hands to prevent him from moving any further away. Distance, _any_ _distance_ was too much, "I felt the same. It's selfish to say my de- Cro- _Anthony,_ I almost said yes. For a moment at the bandstand you asked to leave, to find somewhere safe, anywhere else. It was unlikely to last but at least we'd be together and that would be alright. But I couldn't, I was afraid but not of you, _never of you_! I think we've been operating under very different understandings of our interactions as of late. Something could have happened to you and it would have been _my_ _fault_ , and just as you couldn't stomach me falling I couldn't live with this."

Crowley was blinking rapidly to avoid producing tears, this was a lot. Too much. Too many things were happening at once. So he did what he always did when there were too many things to say, he reversed over his emotions to keep things safe, "I know you couldn't go but I had to ask. I shouldn't have or I should've said something, _anything_ else."

His hands were being held more intensely - no longer touched but grasped, clung to. " _I_ _know_." Those two words would spell his doom, the end of everything he held dear. Things were changing and what if they weren't for the better? It was all his fault!

\---

Aziraphale was beginning to realize that Crowley wasn't really listening to him, he was just hearing the sounds. This would require more! ' _Well, here goes nothing!'_ He could fly if the whim struck him, but this was just falling. Time for truth, the _whole_ truth: " You care for me and deeply at that. I've known for ages really, and I didn't say anything. At first I wasn't sure how to process the information and then once I finally could I didn't know what to say. Words, _words_ are my life and still they failed me! They wouldn't be able to express the depths of what I was trying to convey. Words would be shallow, the only utterances I could possibly make to express what I have been too fearful to even whisper would come from a tongue that would wound rather than caress and that my dear was un-ac-cept-a-ble." Overenunciating the last word, Aziraphale found a lovelorn ache change the tone of his confession, "So I waited and hoped that little things would hint at what I was experiencing, but this long-standing unspoken thing prevented it. I built up walls and then was pained by the consequent changes they invoked."

\---

This wasn't what he expected. Crowley was definitely crying now, and he made no attempt to remedy the situation for fear the additional mental effort to send them away would distract him. And he was a closet romantic, one that had watched enough romcoms to know that tears weren't always from pain. Aziraphale looked straight at him, at his accursed eyes and didn't glance away or blink. Not that he actually needed to blink, but Aziraphale wasn't disgusted or even ashamed of them! A sensation that Crowley still hadn't mastered in 6000 years. Aziraphale must have sent his shades away, because Crowley never would have taken them off this sober. They were at times the only protective barrier he had between his feelings and the world at large. Aziraphale had continued to talk and Crowley was reeling with feelings he couldn't quite process.

"Anthony _'just a'_ J Crowley, I make no claim to have loved you for anywhere near as long as you have for me, but I do care for you. I've loved you as an angel cares for all living things and as a true friend who deserves better than a fussy old angel like me. I have thought things about you for hundreds of years that unfortunately brought me shame from years of false information and indoctrination. And then in quiet moments that brought undeniable joy."

Aziraphale continued, a bit quieter now. "I have been afraid of my feelings for you and the potential ramifications for having them for so long that I convinced myself I felt nothing at all. That was cruel both to you who loves so openly and respectfully of my fears and boundaries and to myself. For a being of truth and love, I don't think I'm very good at it! You deserved for your affection to be placed on someone, _anyone_ better than I, yet it appears that you've never tried to displace them. I know not why or how, but I am grateful! Truly I feel more blessed showered in the love that radiates so openly from your every orifice than I ever did above."

Aziraphale smiled, a small precious thing. A gift to be treasured and placed on the highest and most prestigious of shelves. Crowley was breaking and I a quiet part of mind hoped that Aziraphale while put them back together again. He know longer had the mental fortitude to recognize that he was crying, important things quite possibly the most important of things was occurring before him.

Aziraphale had taken a moment's pause for Crowley's benefit he was sure before continuing, “I am no longer an angel, not any way that matters and for once I can honestly say that it is both a relief and a joy. To be unbowed, untethered to things that bring pain to so many creatures great and small. You deserve a better confession than this, somewhere grand and exciting a fully planned event. A dinner amongst the stars, but here we are now _together_ and I cannot wait any longer! I don't know how you've gone on so long my dear, my love, _my Crowley_ …"

\---

Aziraphale's eyes were shining now, a halo of streetlights alit behind his head. He would make Crowley see, to understand that he wasn't alone. And that truthfully he hadn't been for quite some time now. He was so positively bursting with love and affection that the sun had frozen in place, a permanent sunset washing the countryside with a romantic glow. Crowley was distraught and Aziraphale would explain if it killed him that he was sorry for taking so long to utter the truth openly before the ~~demon~~ man he loved.

Taking some slight cues from Austen and the more modern romantic films Crowley was so fond of, he continued his absolution, "I'm sitting in front of you now trying, and if I'm being perfectly honest failing, to tell you that I love you. All of you! From the top of your head to the ends of your feet. I love your eyes, golden and striking. And were that we lived in a world that you didn't need to hide them, but then others would have been blessed and I am ultimately a selfish creature. I hope you don't mind I miracled your glasses away, but the distance between us they create was wholly too much! I love your form before me now and that which you wore on the day long ago when we first met, sliding and sinuous _distracting_ before there was ever a word to describe."

Picking up momentum now, confessions were falling from his lips, divine and sweet: "I love the way you quietly care and say that you don't, the way you worry yourself into a frenzy and still find a way to carry on. I love that you saw me for who I was before I could even fathom to glance and said _'yes, this one I like him'_ and stayed long after anyone should have. I love you and while I cannot say when it first began to consume me, I can think of dozens of moments when I let myself think that perhaps _one day_ I could admit the truth not just to myself but to you. And I suppose that day is now here, in your car that you also care very deeply for; and I feel is probably getting jealous of my attention seeing as I don't think we're moving anymore but I don't care!* There were too many close calls and moments where I thought I would never get the chance, and I fear truly if I don't say something now I'll do something regrettable and drive you away and that's a soul crushing abyss I know I could not survive again." Aziraphale finished not out of breath, because he still technically _was_ an angel and they didn't need to breathe unless they wanted to, and this particular angel couldn't waste the time it took to inhale and exhale again.

\---

Crowley was now silently sobbing, huge raking shakes that drove down to his core. This, _this_ was too much too fast all at once. What was it about the Bentley and heart filled confessions? A _date_ in the 70s was too much and now this! Crowley was on the brink of a breakdown and were it not for Aziraphale's steadying presence and tender grip on his hands he would have fled through the radio minutes ago. He had accepted a life of not so silent pining, with moments _mere moments_ that toed the line beyond before returning to their original place. And this was something altogether different, uncharted territory no one had even considered buying materials to chart.

He fell forward and this time there was no fire, no pain just love. Aziraphale moved his hands to Crowley's back and they embraced tearfully. Home at last. No more words needed to be said, they couldn't express what arms and hands and mouths could utter all on their own. Crowley had never been kissed, he like a bride awaiting her arranged groom couldn't stomach the thought of anyone claiming land he gifted to Aziraphale on a wall so long ago. The day he had decided his fate. He fell twice, only the second time willingly, with his whole heart. And after 6000 years he had finally landed.

  


The experience was soft and new and sweet. Perfectly theirs and no one else's. To say more would be to intrude, and this pair has endured enough suffering already.

**Author's Note:**

> *The Bentley was very pleased and stopped willingly at   
> a prime romantic location, because its owner need all the help he could get.
> 
> If you liked my bakery/coffee au I do have every intention of continuing it, but I had an idea and slew of feelings earlier today and this is the result. After finishing my fourth read of the book I had emotions to work through and my small stream of consciousness ramblings turning into something much larger. Hope you felt things, ideally of the positive sort!


End file.
